


Being Alive

by LexInWonderland



Category: Glee
Genre: Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Originally Posted on Nov 1 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 13:01:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20760776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LexInWonderland/pseuds/LexInWonderland
Summary: Kurt needs to be reminded how feels to really be alive...and he thinks he's found his way back to that state of thinking when he's singing 'Being Alive' from Company for the Winter Showcase for his Second Attempt at an NYADA audition. But what is he thinking about the whole time with every lyric sung, here's your answer...





	Being Alive

**Beginning Note: Ok, so this is now my favorite song because of Christopher Paul Colfer himself. I was binging random episodes on Netflix yesterday and ended up on ** _Swan Song._** Simple as that. Now I'm OBSESSED with the song! I just LOVE IT! I think it's my favorite Kurt solo. Agree with me? Disagree? Tell me! What's your fav Kurt solo? Anyway, enjoy: ** _Being Alive._

* * *

  
Kurt was nervous as _hell_. Carmen Tibideaux _herself _just asked him to sing in front of the _entire_ NYADA faculty! And the selected students who were chosen to perform at the Winter Showcase. There was so much _pressure_...So much riding on his shoulders. This could make or break his chance of being in NYADA...what if he choked like Rachel? What if cracked a note? The chance would then be swiftly yanked away like a vulture swooping in for its prey. That's what Carmen seemed like sometimes, a vulture, or hawk, circling, waiting for screw-ups and hiccups so she could deny the chance of getting into the prestigious school...But Kurt could do it. He knew he could...because all he needed was depth and emotion...and considering the last few months, he had _plenty_ of it. It's now or never...  
  
So here goes nothing...

"Uh, uh Hi. Um, I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be auditioning for the role of...NYADA student. Tonight I am going to perform a song that I've loved since I was six. But, um I think for the first time in my life, I finally understand what it means..." Kurt nodded to the band behind him. Here it goes...After the first note was played, this became real. It was go-time...  
  


_"Someone to hold you too close,"_  
  


Kurt was reminded of after he came out to his dad. He held him so close he could hardly breathe...One of those tough, heart-string tugging father-son hugs, you know? His dad was always there, he always came through for him. Even when it seemed of the worst of times. Even when he was genuinely in the _wrong_...and he couldn't thank him more for that...  
  


_"Someone to hurt you too deep,"_  
  


When Finn kept on saying _that word_in the old basement, Kurt was hurt more and more each time. That wasn't the Finn Hudson he knew...or anyone knew for that matter...He turned into some kind of of..._monster_, screaming and fighting with him about something he couldn't help. It's not like Kurt _chose _to be gay...No one does, even if many people continuingly say the opposite...Including Finn back then, during that infamous night...  
  


_"Someone to sit in your chair,_  
To ruin your sleep._"_  
  


Kurt had plenty of nightmares about that night in the basement...as well as nightmares of getting the shit beat out of him by Karofsky and Azimio, and even sometimes his dad before he came out. Those nights were some of the worst nights of his life, when he'd thrash against the pillows, panting, sweating, and most of the time, not having someone there to comfort him in those nights...  
  


_"Someone to need you too much,_  
Someone to know you too well,"  
  


Kurt's dad did need him after his heart attack...before Carole and Finn moved back into the house, Kurt was all he had. It was a blessing and a curse. Sure Kurt liked taking care of his dad, making sure he was healthy, but the curse was whenever he was upset, Burt knew. He _always _knew. Knew him too well, sometimes...It was a lot. A lot to take in, A lot to have to face. Especially with "boy troubles"...those were the times he needed his mother the most...  
  


_"Someone to pull you up short,_  
And put you through hell."  
  


Kurt had been put through hell _many _times in his life...All the physical and verbal bullying from Karofsky and Azimio, and plenty of other people, with teachers and people who didn't understand him...and then he met Blaine...  
  


_"Someone you have to let in,_  
Someone whose feelings you spare,"  
  


Kurt's had to let plenty of people in. His friends, enemies, crushes...family. But none was more potent than when he made friends with Dave Karofsky...the man who before put him through hell and invaded his nightmares, was now someone he trusted, and even confided in, many times, more times than he thought was possible before.

He always had put his feelings aside as well...He always let other people's feelings be more important, not his own. From purposefully cracking a note when auditioning to sing _Defying Gravity _from _Wicked _to usually not speaking up about his bullying, because he was used it. Now, he wishes he would've spoken up more...  
  


_"Someone to crowd you with love,_  
Someone to force you to care,"  
  


And then came Blaine, the boy who finally started showing him what love was...who finally showed him what true caring was...And then it all ended up falling about...  
  


_"Someone to make you come through,_  
Who'll always be there,"  
  


And that was the thing, Blaine was always there, and so was his dad, and Mercedes, and Finn...They were always there, even when Kurt felt like they shouldn't be. But now he feels he's taken these moments for granted. These small moments where people would defend him, love him, care for him...He'd always shrug them off or play them as if they were just small, insignificant moments. Just tiny moments where bigger moments could fit in. But now, he misses those tiny moments. The little noises Blaine would make when he'd laugh, how bright his eyes were when he smiled, how giddy and happy he'd get over the _smallest _of things...And how much love he was willing to give to everyone, even people that had wronged him. Or...maybe...it was just Blaine that he missed...  
  


_"As frightened as you_  
Of being alive,"  
  


But no how much he _tried _to hate Blaine, no matter how much he tried...he never could. Because this is _Blaine _we're talking about here...the boy that made him feel true love for the very first time. The boy who always smiled at him when he was sad, who always took care of him when he was sick, the one who always sang to him when he felt out of tune...who always there...And He may have been scared of being alive sometimes...but Blaine had that covered too. And the worst part was. And He may have been scared of being alive sometimes...but Blaine had that covered too. He hated how he loved Blaine as much as he did...He _wanted _to hate him, for all the things he said, and what he'd done. But the thing is. He could never..._ever_ hate Blaine. He never could. No matter how much he tried, he'd never be able to hate him. He loved him too much...  
  


_"Being alive,_  
Being alive,  
_Being alive._

_Somebody, hold me too close,_  
_Somebody, hurt me too deep,"_  
  


He hated admitted it most of the time, but he _liked _being held too close...it reminded him of the feeling of being alive. Being alive was something he didn't take for granted anymore. He used to take for granted how _lucky _he was...how _privileged _he was! To always have food on the table, fresh and clean air in his lungs, clean water...things a lot of the people around the world die without having even the teeniest bit of sweet closer with. He had the privilege to go to one of, if not the most sought-after Arts school in the whole country, to have family and friends that cared for him very deeply. These were things he was used to. He forgot how lucky he was to have all of these things when a lot of people never get to have any of it...but nope, no more. He was gonna cherish every single second of living in the city of his seemingly before distant dreams, working at a place most people would die to take. Living the life his heart always wanted. And he was gonna cherish every bite of the big apple...not let anything be pushed to the sideline. Never, ever again

And then, there were the times he was hurt so deep, it was hard to breathe. The one that took him out like a KO punch to the gut the most is when Blaine said those words: _"I was with someone."_

Right at the moment, he could feel goosebumps rise on his skin, breath caught in his throat, his heart clench. Just the _thought_ of Blaine with someone else made him feel all kinds of things he didn't know how to describe...But in a way, it unexpectedly helped him...

He needed to mature, become comfortable in a new environment and his skin. He was always insecure...and once New York sniffed that you doubted yourself even the tiniest bit, it would chew you up and spit you, push you to the side of the road and say: "Sorry kid, maybe next time."...He didn't want that to happen, he couldn't let it happen. And in a way, he needed to go at it alone. Sure, he loved Blaine...but that was the problem! As long as they were together, and in different locations, they'd always be tied together. Kurt needed to spread his wings and fly...and if he was still with Blaine, he'd only end up hurting more than helping in their situation. In reality, they did need a break. They both needed to find out who they were without each other...discover new things about themselves. Find new and interesting people. Now, they shouldn't have gone out like they did, of course. But a break was necessary...It may be heartbreaking...but that was just life. They knew they'd always find their way back to each other. And they will...but now Kurt can finally breathe in this fresh New York air for the first time without feeling pressure to impress and make himself like he has to be better than expectations. He's ready to explore, to soar. And it's about damn time he took the city over and made it his own.  
  


_"Somebody, sit in my chair..._

_And ruin my sleep_  
_And make me aware_  
_Of being alive,_  
_Being alive."_  
  


Kurt recalled when Blaine was asked to read for Tony, for West Side Story. He couldn't help but feel a..._sting _of jealousy, run up his spine...He didn't know what it was! He was happy that Blaine was being accepted in New Directions, but something about how he just got there and got all these dreams offers he had been waiting 3 years to receive...Like it was just handed to him! He wanted to be happy for him, but at the same time...he just couldn't help it! What was he doing wrong? What was it? What could he do to get those offers? Every time he tried to be himself, he was insulted by Jesse St. James for being too "feminine" by singing a song written to be sung by women, or having Mike insult his dancing because he likes to sashay! Every time! He was used to the same old insults.

He heard those all the time! But to hear it from friends, even his stepbrother (future step-brother back then), insulted his decorating. All because he's different. No more! No more restless nights, being walked all over! He was gonna pull this city by the TEETH and live his dreams! No one's stopping him now! He has nowhere to go but up!

And the first few weeks, he never thought he'd be here right now...singing at the damn WINTER SHOWCASE AT NYADA! Something most performances only dream of! But no, he was here! He had MADE IT!

Sure, his sleep was ruined after Blaine said those words, and after he revisited the reoccurring nightmare to see Grease...but now, he was here, and he was ready. Bring it, New York! He had no fucks to give, not anymore. It was his turn!  
  


_"Somebody, need me too much,_  
Somebody, know me too well,"  
  


Blaine needs him too much. Blaine knows him too well. Kurt wishes that these were bad things...he _wants _to find a flaw in this. But, sadly, he never will. Sure, he and Blaine have flaws, especially with each other. But no matter how much Blaine pisses him off, no matter how deep he hurts him...he will always be stuck with this one curse. He will always love him. Sure, he can hate him, he can hold a grudge along with him. But he'll always love him.  
  


_"Somebody, pull me up short  
And put me through hell_

_And give me support_  
_For being alive,_  
_Make me alive,_  
_Make me alive,"_

There's only one person in this whole damn world that could make Kurt feel as alive as he always dreamed of feeling...Blaine. Blaine was always there, whether it be in a positive or negative light, he'll always be there to show Kurt what if feels to be alive! To remind him that emotions exist and that it's ok to show them. He'll always be there through the thick and the then, through the shit and the sunshine. Because there's always one fact that Kurt can never ignore. He feels alive the most when he's around the love of his life, Blaine. And he's fucking sure, that will never change.  


_"Make me confused,"_  
  


No one is going to deny that Kurt and Blaine's current relationship was all over the place. It confused Kurt maybe most of all. It confused him how he could never fully hate Blaine. No matter what he did, he'd always find a way to forgive him. Sure, cheating will probably take the longest, but he'll still end up forgiving him. And it baffles Kurt how this is possible. He doesn't understand how it's only Blaine that has this... the effect on him. He's the only one. And as confusing as that may be, Kurt wouldn't want to have that any other way...  
  


_"Mock me with praise,"_  
  


Blaine's never been one to hold off on commenting on something he isn't very fond of. As if his whole "gas pains" comments didn't clarify this enough, Blaine has spoken his mind more than once...sometimes even at Kurt's expense. But it's this...undeniable honestly that Kurt finds...weirdly endearing. Whatever it may be, whenever he's "mocked with praise", he takes those comments with a stride to try and keep up with perfection, hoping one day...He'll finally get it right.  
  


_"Let me be used,_  
Vary my days."  
  


It's no secret how rocky Kurt and Blaine's relationship is. Their lives together (and separate) has become a twisting and turning roller coaster ever since that very first meeting on those Dalton steps. Ever since then, they've always had some sort of impact or another on something involving each other's lives that it's hard to keep track of where they are as two people, or simply as one. They've gone through the following stages at this very point: Strangers, Friends, Best Friends, Boyfriends, Lovers, Exes...and somehow they're more like lovers than ever, even without being together in any sort of way for _months _now. No one knows how this is possible. Besides, Kurt and Blaine of course. They will _not_ be apart of each other's lives anymore, there's no way they can be. After sharing something as endearing and emotional as they have, there's _no _going back to "Stage 1: Strangers" again. Sure, they may only be friends at this point...but it will most likely not be long before their lover instincts come crawling back to them, and their relationship enters a new chapter. It's only a matter of time...  
  


_"But alone is alone, not alive._

_Somebody, crowd me with love,_  
_Somebody, force me to care,"_  
  


To be honest, Kurt never had to be forced to care, or crowded with love. But that, was before he met Blaine. Now, he just kind of...expects it. Or someone expects it from him. He just seems to get caught up in all the attention that he can become addicted to it at times. But he does love it...He loves being loved. He loves showing affection more than he ever has before! Blaine changed him...forever. He can't go back to his old self. He just can't. And Kurt doesn't know why he would want to...because he likes this "New Kurt" a hell of a lot more than the "Old Kurt", and he wouldn't go back for all the money in the world. Because Blaine permanently changed him, for the better.

_"Somebody, let me come through,_

_I'll always be there,_  
_As frightened as you,_  
_To help us survive_  
_Being alive,_  
_Being alive,_  
_Being alive!"_  
  


The whole NYADA crowd erupted in applause and Kurt could swear that he could feel himself tearing up. During the intermission, he went outside and quietly prayed to himself for Blaine to pick up his damn phone. Which he finally did after like...15 hundred rings.

"Ugh...Hello?" A groggy Blaine spoke. No wonder Blaine sounded tired...it was a little bit past midnight.

"Blaine...I-I did it! I auditioned without all my...bells and whistles! I did it!"

"Huh? Kurt?... What do you...What do you mean?"

Kurt just couldn't stop pacing so he sat so he could try and contain himself. "Well, y' know how Rachel got one of those, golden envelopes for the Winter Showcase?"

"Uh, yeah...I think so..."

"Well um, I went to support her and..." Kurt continued with the full story, getting more energetic as each word was spoken.

"Do you think I'll get in? I mean..._Being Alive_ is a song that Carmen must be sick of hearing and-"

"Kurt, if there is anyone who can dust off that song and give it a new soul, it's you. I wish I could've been there...I miss hearing you sick and, I know it's one of your favorites..." Kurt began to blush like a high schooler again.

"I miss you, B." The emotion the two shared practically could be heard in their voices...it was that obvious.

"I miss you too, Kurty." Kurt smiled at the pet name. Blaine's the only one he's been ok with using pet names...

"I better let you go...Oh, and Blaine?" He needed to get it out. He had to say it before he hung up. "I love you..."

Blaine smiled small and simply replied, "I love you too..."

And with that, Kurt hung up. He could finally forgive Blaine. Maybe not completely...But he knew that at least a tiny part of him that was willing too.

Because there is no denying that they feel the most alive when they're together. Just together...Breathing, existing, and Being Alive...

* * *

**Ending Note: Honestly, this is now my favorite fic. Of mine, at least. And I know, it could very sloppy at the end, but I didn't want to try and rush it, it kinda just came out that way. I'll edit it later if I have to (or want to)...I mean, I've been writing this for **_**3 MONTHS! **_**I think I kinda need a break. I haven't written a while because of school so please don't be mad with the slow updating. I'll try to write more during Winter Break, but I've also been incredibly invested in Connor Franta's **_note to self_**. I extremely recommend it. And I also recommend the other two books I've read through my school year so far: Naya Rivera's** _Sorry Not Sorry _**and John Green and David Levithan's **_Will Grayson, Will Grayson_**. Anyways, this Ending Notes going on too long, so I'll just end it like I end all the others...Thanks Again for Reading.  
~Lexi in Wonderland.**


End file.
